III. Jubilation Unbound
After what seemed like hours of climbing hand over hand and "Doing the Gollum." I started to think that maybe Don wasn't as nice a guy as he first seemed. Maybe he had only told us these lies to bring us out here away from anything, and dragged us up this mountain because the screams of the dying sound better when echoed against volcanic cliffs. All of these fears were confirmed when we saw Rope #2.
Rope #2, as it turned out, was the rope that Don had originally been thinking of. Rope #2 went straight fucking up. Rope #2 was where Rebar decided that this was the top of the mountain as far as she was concerned and nothing short of a pack of ravenous zombies would get her up Rope #2.
I just stared at it a while under the pretense of 'catching my breath,' all the while fear gripped me in its icy claw. This was it. This was where I was going to die, dashed upon the ancient crags of a beautiful mountain. I cycled through the Five Stages fairly quickly in my head just to expedite things. I thought one last time about my wife, my retarded cats, and Bear. Then I cowboyed up and began my ascent. I prayed to all Gods past, present, and yet to be for safe passage up this horrid rock. Apparently the shotgun technique to worship works pretty well, or maybe Ba'al just wants someone to talk to now and again, because I am here now writing this for you because someone heard me and granted my request. I reached the top and joy so intense flooded me that it threatened to scour me from the earth.
Sadly, this feeling of euphoria was short lived. At the top of Rope #2, the path was about 2 feet wide and dropped sharply on the left and right down something like seven million feet. I would have taken pictures but I was busy desperately trying to not lose my shit. I focused my eyes on the gray rocks in front of me and crawled like a worm until the path diverged. I had a choice of continuing this madness with nothing to cling to or take a more lateral approach that at forced me to look at the mountain face and give me the illusion that Death did not loom quite so near. Let it never be said that Illusion is no fine thing.
Below, my wife also petitioned the gods for safe passage:
Lastly, for comic effect I said some beastly things about Don, none of which were true. He's a fine man and gracious host. And even though it taxed me to my limits, I have to thank him deeply for taking us on this adventure.