1 post tagged “meat”

This is usually the part where I make some lame excuse about how I never post and feel bad about it.  Only I'm lying, because I don't actually feel bad.  If you don't have anything better to do than check my blog, you sir (or ma'am) are in seriously sad shape.  Might I suggest Sudoku?  A good book? Pornography?  At any rate, sitting around waiting for me post something is for self-flagellating asshats.  You're not a self-flagellating asshat are you?  If you are, there's probably a decent career opportunity in the aforementioned porn industry for you.  I understand people pay top dollar to watch guys get their bits stepped on and clamped into all manner of medieval devices.  But I digress.

I came here to tell you about how I'm going to die.  I can see it all very clearly now and so I thought it might be nice to share with the rest of the class.  You see, a certain local market has been having blow out sales on a certain animal by-product I usually call Meat.  I could fill you in on the gory fiscal details (and let me assure you they are deep and warm like a jungle valley) but I won't because it's not important how much money I'm saving by eating New York Strip steaks four times a week.  What's important is that these same meals are going to kill me dead.  I haven't braved a trip to the doctor since beginning this all-meat extravaganza but I can tell you with great certainty that by judging by the performance of my colon in the last month, he would not be pleased. 

I can also promise you that at some point tomorrow I will walk downstairs, try to figure out something to fix myself for a quick lunch, and end up settling on some variation of a large slab of beef seasoned and cooked with fire.  Why?  Not only do I cook a damn fine steak (and believe you me, I do) it's damn easy.  Plus I'm not hungry for like eight hours afterward so I get to spend the rest of my day not worrying about food or what I'm going to eat because I already have and there's no reason to eat again. Ever.  I have developed quite a rhythm. I can have a steak from the freezer to my plate, piping hot and delicious in less than 20 minutes.  I can hardly match that time with a lunch meat sandwich.  For this I blame Alton Brown, my newest TV hetero man-crush.  (He replaced Bear Grylls after I realized that Man vs. Wild is just the same five fucking episodes played on a loop.)

Anyway, at some point the party will end and hopefully I will live to see the end of this psychedelic trip.  I think I know how Hunter S. Thomson felt.  If I don't make it, bury me with a bottle of Worcestershire.

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