1 post tagged “made up words”

I. Prelude to Sorrow

One of the things highest on my 'to do' list while in Hawai'i was that I really wanted to go hiking.  Hiking is an exercise that I enjoy and have been known to do my own free will.  This sets it apart from almost every other forms of exercise because, generally, I would rather put live bees in my mouth than walk to the fridge.  Hiking though, there is something exotic and wholly unexcersizemenly about it.  So hiking was foremost on my list of things I wanted to do.  This desire, herein referred to as FOIBLE, proved to very nearly spell the undoing of everything I hold sacred.

First let me explain something, I'm in rotten shape.  You know how some people who really aren't in rotten shape but they say they're in rotten shape and you just sit there and think, 'you are NOT in rotten shape.'  I'm not one of those people.  I'm more like one of those people who says they're in rotten shape and you think to yourself, 'tell that to twinkie no. 4.'  Please direct your attention to the visial aides at the beginning and end of this paragraph for a before and after comparison.  I think I need say no more.  Doubtless climbing up mountains is best left to people who are in a shape that is not round.

At any rate, upon landing in our host home we noticed a giant mountain viewable from the back lanai (that's Hawaiianese for porch).  It stood dauntless and proud like a giant, a big green triangular giant.  Little did we know that before the passing of a fortnight this giant would become our immortal enemy locked in a struggle that would take several hours and leave us wishing for death's sweet embrace.  It was called Olomana (which is ancient Hawaiianese for "big fuckoff mountain").  We called it many other things before the week was out.  Still, it makes for a nice view off your back lanai-porch.

Don, our host, on hearing us (read: me) talking about how I wanted to go hiking told us that it was a beautiful hike up Olomana and that it was EASY and WOULD ONLY TAKE ABOUT 45 MINUTES.  Even though it might seem I'm leaving it a little ambiguous, I am, in fact, drawing attention to these words that Don used.  We'll be referring back to them later.  He also said if we were going to hike one mountain in Hawai'i, we should make sure that it was Olomana.  He went on to tell us that the ticket price paid for the entire mountain but we'd only need the edge.  This went on all week and secretly I kept looking at Olomana when we would drive by it on the windward side of the island and think to myself, "I'm gonna mess you up."  So by the time Hiking day happened, we opted for Olomana over something easier.  Don even offered to go with us as a sort of taskmaster guide and to show us the ropes.  If I had any idea how true that would be, I probably would've tried to chew my way out of his house in the night. 


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